Since today is Mother’s Day I wanted to talk about God and what he teaches us about family.
And just to make it more difficult for myself I picked perhaps the most controversial and challenging
scripture. Over time these lines have been used to set up a family hierarchy. They have been used to put
women in a subservient position.
I have looked at these scriptures for years. I have prayed over them for hours. I don’t know how
many times I have asked the Holy Spirit to lead me through them. As you know I don’t believe any
scripture stands alone, I believe its explanation, depth and nuance can only be found by looking to other
scriptures. One of my seminary professors put it this way, “The Bible can only be interpreted by looking
at the Bible.”
All of the Bible is important to us, absolutely; but over time I felt the Holy Spirit direct me. Those
scriptures like Luke 22, verses 41-44 which describe the anguish of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane,
those scriptures where there are no witnesses to the event yet the Spirit instills the event into the
writer’s mind; I find these have great messages and lessons for us. And of course anything that’s
recorded as Jesus himself saying, I place on a high level of importance.
So as I went through these verses I also went back to Jesus, back to Matthew 22, “Teacher which is
the greatest Commandment in the Law? Jesus replied ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your mind. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.’”
I think you know by now that I look at scripture through the lens of these two commandments, so
with these in mind I went back to Ephesians.
I don’t like to paraphrase scripture but I look at these commandments as “Love God above all else,
love your neighbor above yourself.” I have also evolved in my thinking that to fully demonstrate the
first, “love God,” you must actively participate in the second, “love your neighbor.” We’ve talked about
who is our neighbor. The elderly neighbor, the Ukrainian or South American refugee, those with
opposing political views; all yes.
Galatians 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” The Holy Spirit placed Paul’s letter to the Galatians before his letter to the Ephesians. I believe this is deliberate. I think the lessons in Galatians will help us to see what is in Ephesians. Galatians tells us we are all equal in God’s eyes and after much prayer and contemplation this is how I see these verses in Ephesians should be looked at.
So now after this long introduction let’s look at these verses, and I’m going to work through this backward.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord…Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise.” (Eph 6:1-2)
This goes back to the Ten Commandments at Mt Sinai. Nine of the Commandments tell us what not to do but the fifth Commandment tells us what to do, “Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord God is giving you.”
Reverend Natarajan wrote, “The children are heritage to the parents and likewise parents are property to the children.” (Sermon: The Fifth Commandment, Nov 14, 2016)
The relationship between parent and child is unique among all our relationships. Our children are our heritage, they are our immortality. Part of us as parents goes with our children. Our son Thayne is his own man in his own right, but some of the foundations of his beliefs and make-up are directly taken from what Jen and I believe and the way we live out our convictions.
I’d like to think we gave him positive attributes. Sometimes parents can give their children negative attributes and this is addressed in Deuteronomy 5:9, “…I the Lord your God…(will) punish the children for the sins of the parents to the third and fourth generation…”
Now I don’t see this as saying that if I steal something God will punish my children and
grandchildren, but rather that if I am a distrustful and prejudicial man, those attitudes will be passed on to the next generation. In a psychological paper I read it said that prejudicial attitudes take a family line three or four generations to change. This is how powerful the lessons we give are children are.
Parents are the property of their children. As I said, no other relationship is like the parent – child. No matter the type of relationship; whether loving or estranged, Jen and I will always be Thayne’s parents. This is a relationship that cannot be physically dissolved. Marriages may break up, friends drift apart, people come and go in our lives; but our child is always our child.
Children obey your parents. This is our recognition of this unique relationship, a maturing understanding that our parents have our best interest and safety at heart. But God shows us this is not to be just a blind obedience.
It is unfortunate that there are some parents who treat their children poorly or abusively. God tells us this parent – child relationship is a two way street; Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” God tells us as parents we are not to just blindly lay down rules, we are to evaluate our children’s maturity, see our children as individuals with their own ideas and to incorporate these into our decisions that affect them.
Ephesians 5:24-33 deals with how we as men are to look at our wives, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph 5:25)
As children we are dependent on our parents, as teens we develop our sense of independence and see ourselves as individuals. As we move out into the world as adults we look to gratify our needs and wants. When we find the one we love and want to spend the rest of our life with, God tells us that we must give up the desires of our heart as paramount and take up the desires of our spouse as our own. Why? Verse 26, “…to make her holy.” Our responsibility as husbands is to live in a way that lifts our spouse above ourselves.
Verse 28, “…husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” I won’t voluntarily put myself in situations that can cause me harm or pain. God tells us as men not to put our wives in a position of pain or emotional strife. How? Paul tells us in the previous sentence, “…present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless.” We’ll have disagreements but I as a husband am not to hold grudges, I am not to judge our whole relationship on a disagreement.
Our wives are individuals with their own ideas. As a husband I should see Jen this way and as blameless, not deliberate in my hurt feelings. It is my responsibility to keep God at the center of our marriage. I’ve said that our marriage is successful because of the three people who are dedicated to it; myself, Jen and God.
Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Here is the verse that causes everyone grief. As I said, I look at scripture through the lens of ‘love God above all else and love your neighbor above yourself.’ By keeping this in mind I do not see this scripture as an instruction for servitude.
Christ is the head of the church because of the great love he has for us and the demonstration of that love at the cross. If we as husbands are doing what we saw Paul tell us to do, then to our wives our love, compassion and empathy will be expressed in our sacrifices for them. In this kind of relationship I do not see this verse as putting wives second to men. I see it as God telling us to give the greatest weight of a situation to our spouse. For difficult decisions and problems we can all seek opinions and advice from others; parents and friends, but as we dedicated and devoted our lives to our partner through marriage, those opinions should not be held in higher regard than our partners.
Verse 23, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the savior.” Christ held us above himself; his sacrifice on the cross was intentional and attained the goal of our salvation. If we as husbands respond to our wives as God instructs then our wives will see they are held above ourselves and our intentions and goals revolve around them.
Verse 24, “Now as the church submits to Christ, wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” I already see the looks; please don’t throw anything at me. I was going to say something to Jen about this but since I don’t want to sleep on the couch tonight I’ll keep it to myself.
We submit to Christ, look to him because he loves us and put us above himself at the cross. Husbands, put your wives above yourself as Christ put us all above himself. Wives, see this in your husbands and put them above yourself also as Christ put us all above himself at the cross.
Now I know if you are a traditionalist you probably disagree with me, but I can’t help but see the relationship we have with God the Father and the demonstrated love of Christ at the cross as the backbone of these verses. To me these verses are our instructions on how to live within our family through the example of God’s relationship with his family; us.
Honor your mother and your father. It doesn’t matter if you’re 10, 16 or 50. Our relationship with God is unique, he created us and we are his, this can never be changed. In all the relationships in our lives our parents and their connection to us can never be fully removed.
Jesus loves us so much he let himself be taken, abused, beaten and crucified to save us. Our Lord put our needs above his. I see these scriptures not as a way to put one above the other but to put husbands and wives on equal footing. As husbands we put our wives safety, opinions, and desires above our own. As wives we put our husband’s opinions and concerns above our own. Both of us make the opinions of those outside our marriage relationship as second to those of our spouses. These things are how we model our relationship on our Lord. By doing these things we will have a relationship based on God; full of love, compassion, consideration and empathy.
I spent hours going over this several times. I hope it makes sense. And for those who disagree I hope it causes thought, something to consider.
Please allow me to make Paul’s prayer to the Ephesians my prayer to you;
“Peace to you brothers and sisters, and love with faith from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.
Grace to all of you who love our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Eph 6:23-24)
Amen